One Is The Loneliest Number
The holidays when friends and family gather together make being alone even lonelier

By Robert Schwalbe, Ph.D.

Christmas is literally around the corner and the end of the year on its heels.

This is the holiday season where family and friends come together to make merry, enjoy food, drink and the company of people they know and love.

It probably wouldn’t surprise you to know that many people prefer rather skip the festivities altogether and stay quietly at home. And yet for many others there is no choice as they’ve not been invited to celebrate Christmas and New Year's with anyone.

If you identify with the last group then you know how miserable and lonely it can be to herald the birth of Jesus, to light the Chanukah menorah and the conclusion of the year all by yourself.

This year the Christmas week overlaps with the eight days of Chanukah. It can be a very trying week for those people who have no family to invite over or friends who’ve not invited them.

Bars tend to get very busy with lonely people who don’t want to be alone. But be careful with that option because alcohol only adds to the sadness that one might feel. Yes, alcohol tends to create an immediate high and then a huge low. It’s all very well and good to toast the holiday or New Year as long as you are able to control your drinking and space it well.

And for those who have no desire to sit on a bar stool in an anonymous crowd the alternative to staying at home just might work. But the fact remains that it can become really depressing to be alone over this time period. One can feel detached and turn these feelings about not celebrating with others to feeling sorry for oneself, angry and perhaps thinking of some self-destructive behavior.

Nothing is more artificial than false merriment and yet is the alternative in experiencing the pain of isolation a wise move?

I urge those of you who are reading this and identifying with the harshness of loneliness over the holiday period to take control of the situation and do something for yourself by doing something for others. As powerful are the feelings of aloneness are the empowering feelings of helping someone else. Hospitals are always understaffed during this period and would love some help in reaching out to patients who have no one in the world with whom to connect. Last year I volunteered on Christmas morning in a soup kitchen and the feeling of togetherness was terrific. Volunteering is such a warm option for those who experience the holidays as cold and lonely.

I promise you that nothing overcomes the feeling of isolation better than reaching out to people who feel neglected and are alone, infirm and desperate. At the best of times this advice is helpful and particularly in this holiday season. Look into your community center or Y or house of worship and see what they are offering over this period.

And if you’d rather not volunteer I still urge you to reach out to someone. Invite a friend or relative over to share a cup of coffee or a bottle of wine. You know these times are certainly bleak what with the economy in a frightening situation, made all the more so with talk of a recession.

And yet, as my late mother-in-law used to say “you’ve got to take the bitter with the better”. This is the United States of America and we’re opening up a new chapter in our history as we look to inaugurate next month a new young President and his beautiful wife and daughters. They will bring light and freshness, hope and, yes, holiday cheer to our world.

We live in a free society where we had the ability to vote and change our leadership. We are actually experiencing a miracle in our time with this determined President-elect. It is inspiring to our country and has a positive impact all over the globe.

So, you may ask, how does that thought overcome the feelings of misery and isolation over the holiday period? Just that you are living in the greatest city in the world. A city which respects it’s citizens, men and women, married and single, employed or unemployed, straight or gay, old and young, Christian, Jew or Muslim.

Take advantage of this. Connect with someone else be it a neighbor, friend, family member or even get to know a stranger.

If you are feeling estranged from someone, had a falling out and have not spoken with them or seen them in quite a long time this is the time to unburden yourself of that grudge and be the bigger person and reach out. I promise you it will be rewarded with a feeling of contentment and connection.

Relationships take work. This is the season to re-new or make a new relationship. This is particularly significant for those who are isolated and feel alone. Loneliness is such an unhappy place to be in life. Help yourself out of that position and bring a positive feeling into your heart and mind.

You are entitled to bring cheer into your life this holiday season and the payment in return will add to your health emotionally and physically.

Is there something to cheer about this holiday season?

You bet there is. You’re alive, you can smile and you can reach out to someone who is alone. Perhaps just like you are alone. And what a partnership you’ll have created.

Be happy and welcome another holiday season.

Robert Schwalbe, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and psychoanalyst in private practice in Manhattan. He can be reached for questions and comments at Schwalbephd@aol.com He recently published Sixty, Sexy and Successful. A Guide for the Aging Male Baby Boomer (available though Amazon.com)