Handling The Holidays

It pays to plan ahead and think smart during the holiday season.
By so doing, experts say, you can greatly minimize
the melancholy and maximize the merry.

By Russell Wild

Family, turkeys, tinsel, wrappings, Santa Claus, menorahs, noisemakers.…are we forgetting anything?...Oh yeah, that urge to crawl under a rock and not come out until January 2. For many, the holiday season is a time of great joy. But it can also be a stressful time, and every so often a sad time.

From the financial pressures of gift-giving and the lure of fattening foods to the jam-packed airports and the grating personalities of Aunt Judy and Uncle Burt, the holiday season is littered with emotional land mines. That’s why it pays to plan ahead and think smart. By so doing, experts say, you can greatly minimize the melancholy and maximize the merry.

“The kind of stress most people experience around the holidays is usually due to a combination of demands, activity and expectations. This kind of situational stress, as opposed to chronic stress, shouldn’t in itself represent a major health or mental health risk. It’s something most people can definitely handle,” says Lynn Rehm, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Houston.

Here are some specifics to sleigh you serenely through the holiday season:

Auld Lang Syne(The good old days)
The cultural trappings of the holiday season — television, movies, and songs — portray it as a time of infinite gaiety. In reality, however, it isn’t always such a wonderful life. (Nor is Christmas always white — especially if you live in Honolulu.) This gap between expectations and reality is a big contributor to holiday blues, says Dorothea Lack, a therapist in private practice, and clinical assistant professor of psychology at the University of California.

But Bing Crosby shouldn’t take too much of the heat. The holiday season is also a time rife with personal nostalgia. “If you remember your past holidays as wonderful, then you risk feeling let down if this one is somehow different. If you remember your past holidays as miserable, then you may get saddened by those memories,” says Lack.

The Yule season also serves as an important milestone in time. This presents yet another emotional challenge. “Some of us are prone to look back over the past year and focus heavily on negative events. Doing that can be a real downer,” says Rehm.

The way to Serenity Street
* Click off the TV. And turn the dial on your radio — don’t listen to the one station that keeps playing “White Christmas” every 20 minutes.

* Get into the present. Realize what you are doing when you are waxing nostalgic. “Try not to over-idealize the holiday season. Be realistic. Don’t attempt to re-create every family tradition you grew up with. Create your own traditions, ones that you and your family will truly enjoy” says David Krefetz, D.O., assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey.

* Face forward. Rather than looking back at losses you have suffered in the previous year, look ahead to what you are planning and hoping for in the new year.

Selling your hair
You don’t have to be a Marxist to notice that Christmas has become awfully commercialized, with holiday displays and special sales cranking up long before Thanksgiving. “People wind up feeling obligated to lavish others with gifts, and often spend more than they can afford, leading to great stress over paying the bills,” says Lack.

The way to Serenity Street
* Don’t leave things for the last minute. Start buying your gifts long before the holiday season starts. Spread out the labor. Avoid the stores and parking lots when they’re choked with holiday shoppers.

* Have a family powwow. Get everyone to agree that all gifts should cost no more than, say, $20 (with the amount depending on family finances).

* Give of yourself. “A gift with a personal touch is better than an impersonal gift that simply costs a lot of money,” says Lack. “As opposed to a $2500 TV set with DVD player, consider pledging a service...Offer a back rub, a personal car wash, or a guaranteed number of hugs and kisses.”

Intercity insanity
The holidays are a time for family—but whose family? All of your kids expect you to spend time with them – at their houses. And how will you travel? Around holiday time the roads often look like hurricane evacuation routes and many airports are standing-room only.

The way to Serenity Street
* Get creative. “Don’t be ruled by tradition,” says Peter Sheras, psychologist and clinical professor of education at the University of Virginia. “If hosting is easier for you than traveling, suggest that the family come to you.” Or suggest a neutral spot (perhaps a hotel), mid-way between homes. If families on both sides are beckoning, consider getting the families together, says Sheras. “Invent solutions that work for you.”

Avoid peak hours. Airline industry insiders say that Christmas Day is among the slowest days of the year — as compared to the cattle-car days on either side of that date. If you can postpone your travels until after the formal holidays, the crowds are often very light from the first week of January till the middle of March — except to popular sun and snow destinations.

Family feuds
The family-orientation of the holidays often makes it a trying time for those without family. But it can also be a grueling time for those with family — especially when kin reunite under the same roof. “Parents often want to reestablish their roles as parents. Adult children often revert back to feeling like kids. The result can be a lot of stress for everyone,” says Sheras. Stressful, too, can be the mingling of families with different politics, values, nutrition habits, and child-rearing philosophies.

The way to Serenity Street
* You still want to parent — so give yourself a job, like teaching your young grandchild to read or ride a bicycle, says Sheras. “It will help get the parenting urge out of your systems.”

* Differentiate between “visits” and “vacations.” If you desperately need a relaxing vacation, plan one for February or March. Don’t expect your stay with the family in Boise to be as restful as beach-combing in Belize. Such an expectation will only set you up for disappointment.

* Pretend you’re in a sit-com. “Have a friend or spouse observe and later describe to you your family dynamic,” say Sheras, ”Have a good laugh about it.”

Hams, fruit cake, egg nog, and thee
For those with weight concerns the whole holiday season is a veritable house of horrors. First, there’s the sheer abundance of food — heavy, cream-laden food — and alcohol. You’re already under stress, and that makes it hard to resist food. [On top of that, Aunt Caroline steadfastly demands that you eat every one of her candied sweet potatoes that she made — just for you — because you liked them so much as a child. And finally, as if all this weren’t enough, there’s Aunt Katherine’s remarks about you not having the same physique you did as a bride, which puts you firmly into a hell-with-them, I’ll-eat-what-I-damned-please frame of mind.

The way to Serenity Street
* Be real. This is not a good time try to drop 10 pounds in two weeks. “Just maintaining throughout the holidays is probably a more realistic thing to do,” says Rehm.

* Avoid the love trap. When Aunt Caroline insists that you finish her candied yams, tell her you’ll be happy to — just not right now. “Ask to take them home with you, then throw them in the trash can,” suggests Sheras.

* Invent a white-coated ally. If relatives continue to push the food or drink, tell them “My doctor ordered me not to eat this,” or (for alcohol) “My doctor tells me that I need to watch my sugar.” “No one can fight the doctor,” says Herbert J. Freudenberger, Ph.D., a psychologist in private practice in New York City.

* Remove yourself. Suggest family activities that are not centered around food, like a trip to the theater or sports stadium.

Silent night, long night
Maybe if the holidays came in July or August things would be easier to handle. But December is the time of year when the days are shortest, the nights are longest, and the cold winds blow in from the north.

The way to Serenity Street
* Catch the rays. You may not have control over the weather, but you can make the best of it. If you’re feeling down due to lack of sun, start your morning right — with a little self-induced light therapy, suggests Dr. Krefetz. “Sit right in front of an east-facing window, read the paper, sip a hot drink, and soak up the sunlight, for an hour if possible.”

* Go snorkeling. If winter and the holidays stress you out, and none of the above seems to help, then your last resort may be to find a resort — far away from family, turkeys, tinsel, wrapping, Santa, menorahs, and noisemakers. Aim for the equator.

Quick Cures for Holiday Stress

The holidays often involve overspending, overeating, overdrinking...over everything. “This whirlwind of activity can make the season a particularly stressful time. But it certainly doesn’t have to be that way,” says David Krefetz, D.O., assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey. Here are some tips from Dr. Krefetz and other experts for defusing that stress.

* Set limitations. You can’t do it all. Be realistic. Don’t let your self-imposed obligations to family and friends drive you insane. Sit down and set priorities for yourself.
* Do as much preparation as you can before the holidays. For example, bake your cookies early and freeze them.
* Think about others. Extend a hand to those in need. Serve meals at a shelter for the poor. Helping others in need will make you feel good.
* Sleep right. Holidays away from home often lead us to break our routines. One routine that shouldn’t be broken is getting a good night’s sleep. Exhaustion worsens stress.
* Remain active. Exercise is a natural stress-reliever and can help release pent-up anxiety.
* Work in some laughter. Crank up a funny movie on the VCR. Challenge your child to a funny-face contest. Play a practical joke on a friend.
* Use relaxation techniques. Meditation, biofeedback, yoga, and progressive muscle relaxation work wonders for some.
* Get a massage. Studies show that it lowers certain stress hormones in the body.
*Take a hot bath. Heat sends calming messages to the brain, and water itself seems to have a tranquilizing effect.
* Don’t go it alone. If the holidays are really getting you down, talk to someone — a friend, spouse, physician, therapist, or clergy member. Sometimes a simple airing of your frustrations can make you feel much better.